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2009-08-19 - 8:56 a.m.
over the last several years, having suffered from relentess heartache and loss in my personal and family life, i have been made to stroll through hell. i've been made to take my time of it, but i have not withered. i have taken fire, but i did not crumble to nothing. no. i am galvanized. fire-proof. fire on fire.
i know now that i can withstand anything. it is not that i've been tested. i have been educated. trained. edited. designed. turned into what is essential. honed, through suffering. through relentless removal and loss. i am a blade. a polished stone. a finely tuned instrument. a perfect meal. there is nothing left to take away from me. i am as i am, without artifice. i am true. absolute honesty is my truth. be thyself shall be the whole of my law.
fear has held me back. fear of loss, of retribution. fear of non acceptance. i've realized now that what i used to think was a fear of being alone was really something else. it was a fear of being myself. fear that i would not be loved as i am. i was trying to be someone else.
i suffered from an inability to be honest with myself combined with a lack of willingness to experience true suffering. i've found that all that is needed, in the end, is acceptance and presence. accept thyself, and you shall set yourself free. be thyself, and you shall set the world free. we all have our place, and with courage, we can find it. if only the world knew how much the light bulb loved the socket, we would all be better off, said matthew dickman. he is right.
i know now that i will die like a regular man, by accident or happenstance. i will not die of a broken heart, nor by my own hand. there will be no ruination, no coup de grace. i will not be waking dead, beating pulse with empty heart. nor will i worry too much on longevity. i am riding the wave.
from true suffering comes true acceptance. didn't someone say that? someone else said, "stop worrying and love the bomb." what I say is, live without fear and love without abandon. live like a cowboy. yee-haw!
i have recaptured my spirit, my insatiable will to live, and to love. i have found my muse, and it is me. a loner that is not lonesome. a man without ill intent with nothing to lose.
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