2006-07-26 - 11:31 a.m.

Since I indulged myself in a bit of grousing earlier, let me also say this. Though the bad days outnumber the good ones, there are good ones. When they happen, they are lovelier than they used to be, and I appreciate them more than I previously knew how. It's a bit of a silver lining, a small but meaningful positive aspect of what is otherwise a very difficult experience. My fondest hope is that someday the good days will outnumber the bad ones, and I intend to hang on for that day, whatever challenges face me. I'm learning moment by moment, and though some things still puzzle me -- like how to know when to ignore my feelings, no matter how strongly felt they are -- I'm making progress. I'm coming to terms with myself and with the new limitations I must work within. I do hate it, I admit, having to take so much into consideration, having to be so careful, but we all must suffer our indignities from time to time.

I feel that I've had enormous good fortune in my life, enjoying family, friends, abilities, and opportunities that have allowed me to live openly, freely, and well. Though I wouldn't mind if it weren't true in my case, I'm content with the idea that there must be balance in all things, and if I must suffer this to have had all that I have, I think it's worth it. I do hope that sometime soon I'll be able to focus on pursuits other than taking care of myself, that I'll be able to brighten the lives of my loved ones once again, that their brightness will be able to shine on me. Though I admit that I have been frequently overwhelmed with sorrow, upset, and hopelessness lately, I won't let it beat me. I'm doing my best to let those difficulties serve as reminders of what life is worth, of what is beautiful and what is possible. Whatever patience and determination it takes for me to re-occupy my favorite places in the world, I'll find it.

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